January 13th, 2026

The Strength to say "No More"

Pathologic (2) is an unflinching master. Pathologic 2 held me down and hurt me and until I begged and pleaded to be let go. Still more it sank it's teeth into me. Pause? Yellow? Red? I did not say these things. I did not take my break. I did not lower the difficulty. I did not log off or back away. I felt like I had a difficult time understanding what life would be like without affection of the person who told me to play it, and so I felt incapable of saying no to this thing that operated as her proxy.

I'm currently reading Leash by Jane DeLynn. There's a quiet, real terror in the anonymous sex "Chris" engages in with the person that holds the mask. Too familiar to me is the sensation of the safe word at the tip of my tongue. Too familiar to me is the sensation of the end of the world if only I ceased to obey, if only I ceased to advocate for myself. She really did love me though, and so in that is the even greater tragedy, which I pray does not befall "Chris," the tragedy that I hurt myself for nobody, not even her. I wanted to be pet again, that's all. Now I'm pet every day. Now fingers through my hair do not feel like the graces of angels but mere flesh through dead tendrils. I'm loved so much and it's become very easy for me to say no. I wonder what will happen when I play Pathologic 3. I feel less scared of it having written this than before.