February 5th, 2026

Alcoholic No Longer

I've thought a lot about the twelve steps, those that I was supposed to do after my tribunal to come back Home™. I hate them. Maybe I ended up acting them out anyway through this letter I'll never send. Maybe this blog was part of all of it. There's surely some neofreudian way in which I lived up to this God I invented and my promises to Her that gave me strength but it seems so bullshit. If I invented a God surely it's in me. And that's the thing, I won't do it, not even step one.
I will never say that it's outside of my power, I will never admit defeat to an object. I will never admit defeat. I "had so many years" and it just took one more. Grace is appreciated, but I'll never come hands bound and beg God to tell me how I can get over this. I'll never tell Her it's all up to Her to fix me.