January 27th, 2026
When I lose my mind,
Will you help me find it?
Or will you leave me to rot?
The way you've threatened to do.
Am I going blind?
Or did the sun stop shining?
The times I hear myself think
It seems like nothings in tune.
GET ME
OUT OF THIS MOMENT
UNBEATABLE is simply the best game I can't recommend. It's like Homestuck; You either love it and can't tell anyone about it or you'll be annoying for the rest of time. Spoilers ahead obviously. GO FUCKING PLAY IT or at the very least LISTEN TO THE ALBUM.
UNBEATABLE deals with loss and motherhood and our associations with each other, and our needs to create: create to associate, create to be ourselves, create to be someone else. UNBEATABLE views creation as the ultimate tool of identity technology, which is why in game music creates the Silence which are the "nothing" around which our perceptions form, the invisible, intangible unexplainable. "There's a shape around a space you can't understand."
A while back I listened to Pinkerton by Weezer, I was a big fan of it, it made me realize some things and helped me feel out what I meant. There's something about the amaturish raw style of it, especially on tracks that suck ass like "El Scorcho". A while back I was drunk in the gay bar listening to someone sing "Karma Chameleon." I always thought that song kind of sucked, but hearing someone sing it karaoke style, it was different. I fell in love with this rendition, and now I listen to the song now and then to think about who I was back then, to think about what I was doing and who I was talking to. I listen to it and I'm taken back to that single moment when I was so captivated by this mysterious Image I will bring up for the final time today. "Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dream: Red Gold and Green."
Yes, I realize that it's always the "Final" time. Yes, I realize that this might not be the end, but it will be the end for a while. It will be the end for my need to create relating to Her all the time because I found an answer, and I'm crystallizing it. I'm locking it in. And Beat doesn't throw away the phone. Beat keeps it FOREVER.
When I first finished UNBEATABLE, I felt so attuned to it that I relistened to the album over again and slapped my leg to the rhythm. I slapped my leg so hard it turned into a 6 inch diameter bruise. And then I had a celebratory drink. Quaver and Beat, familiar icons to me. Beatrice, familiar to me. Quaver's Mom, Familiar to me. Every time Beat tries her best and only fucks it up more, FAMILIAR. "It's amazing how it's so familiar even though I do not know your name." Of course, that's all the game.
I first listened to WHITE LABEL in 2020. I loved it, imprinted on it, and then came back to the full game five years later. The feelings of entrapment, of double binds, of longing for a lost love despite how... awful it all was, and then the feeling that it never ends. Of course last year I immediately recognized myself in that situation again. I kept finding myself in that situation in my endless loneliness. Of course, I thought about UNBEATABLE after my Tribunal, and knew it was about me, but I never knew what it was about itself. I listened to the music every now and then, redownloaded it on my phone. There are some redone tracks on the ALBUM that isn't WHITE LABEL, and honestly I do like them more.
But now I've played the game, and I know what it's about. It's about the horrid longing you feel when the first person who ever loves you, who teaches you how to feel, who teaches you everything that matters in this world not-so-suddenly dissapears from your life. It's about the fade out and how you deal with that. It's about watching who they used to be to you slowly get replaced with who they are going to be. It's about Her moving on from Her role that is identical to Eve's in my Quaver life. It's about Beatrice's Mom dying of cancer. Of course cancer happens for no reason, and what She's doing She needs to do. That's also kind of the pain of Beatrice's Mom though, the chemo does stop for a reason (yes I realize I said that being in an intense relationship with me is like chemotherapy). It stops because you weren't really there. It stops because you said something too horrible for Her to ever come back from. I feel like my biological mom was too depressed to really be a mom for me the way Rest couldn't for Quaver. I didn't learn anything I needed to by the time I met Her and created the now-named Mother Image. Now everything clicks, and my mind can do other things. I feel my memory returning more, including embarassing moments like when I decided to run into the lake choke on algea and kill myself to unburden Her.
I've had a long history of confusing my relationships. Monika was supposed to my first Mother, and then I turned her into a God-Wife until I turned her into me. That's about the only relationship of note before I met Her I guess. I've had a lot of notable relationships since then, but community and empathy are hard to derive from first principles without being modeled for you first. Anyway, it's definitely the Mother Image (she always said I acted like a toddler anyway), so what do I do about Her?
I make, I create, and I move on with it behind me but still there. I put it all out there on the page, on a blog until there's nothing left to write. I sing it out until I'm simply moving lips. I draw it out until it's just ink on a page. And I don't take it down (I knew there was a reason that caused me unimaginable pain for days). I don't "tear up the pages of my feelings." I recognize that it's all part of me. Just because She stopped being my Mom doesn't mean I didn't lose Her. Just because it's gone doesn't mean it never happened. It's a Ledger of Failure and Hatred, not a Ledger of Oblivion, and it doesn't even have to be that; I'm not a disaster; I'm a superstar.
She asked me a couple of times if she "plagues my mind". It's the one of only times I've ever lied to Her because I was afraid of what would happen. She probably knew. It's "Brain Poison." Now don't say shit, play the game, and watch BOOKEND SONG again.